STEM majors are angry they can’t read
Editor’s Note: Some of the quotes in this article have been reworded to fit an eighth grade reading level.
A vegan, a man over six feet tall, and an introvert walk into a party. Who tells you what they are first? You guessed right. The STEM major! Although not included in our hypothetical scenario, Major STEM managed to infiltrate the imaginary place and explains to the revelers that he has to “leave the party soon to go to study” and that he “would totally stay if he weren’t ambitious either”.
While these lazy business majors get lost in a filthy basement, the STEM major has other plans. Nothing out of the ordinary, he plans to do his homework and study until the wee hours of the morning before falling asleep thinking of new ways to tell people, “No, I actually own several of this same outfit .”
How long can such inspiring and self-sacrificing stories like this go unrecognized? In 2022, it seems many budding American Einsteins are hoping that will change.
In protest against business and liberal arts curricula across the country consisting of birdwatching, piñata smashing and napping, a union of STEM majors here at the University of Massachusetts has called for a party to recognize their rigorous commitment to academia. “National STEM Day” (originally spelled “Nashunal STEM Day” on legal documents) is intended to give STEM majors an entire day to berate liberal arts majors, without the social repercussions. To be celebrated on March 2 each year, the petitioners aimed to eclipse “National Reading Day Across America,” a celebration of the reading initiative writing by the Dr. Seuss Foundation.
“We don’t like literacy; this is a bad deal, “the union says proudly in the section of their proposal entitled” 01101110 01110101 01101101 01100010 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01100100 01110011 00001010.” A potential event planned for the inaugural holiday observation was described as “the printing of Glassdoor’s salary estimates for STEM careers and posting them on art school campuses across the country.” The union also says it hopes the vacation will allow STEM majors to reach out for intellectual superiority over humanities students, without mockery (my words, not theirs, BTW).
Other STEM students have weighed in on this question, like first-year computer science student ‘X’ who told our reporter, “It’s not our fault we’re better than them. Some people are just stupid and that’s fine. In response, I asked him if he thought his position was one-dimensional and without nuance and he replied, “That’s why you’re a journalist, you can’t think critically!”
So why is there such a contentious division between literal fields of study? According to STEM majors, the life of a humanities student is the epitome of luxury and indiscipline. They are upset that we are doing absolutely nothing. It’s a stress-free affair: no homework, no exams and no difficulties. This semester, my 400-level journalism course involved watching local bloopers on YouTube and studying the character arcs of fictional journalists like Rory Gilmore from the TV series “Gilmore Girls” and Peter Parker from the beloved “Spider-Man.” “.
There were less than twenty students present, many of whom were too preoccupied with the realization that they were wasting their lives to participate in another Tom Holland vs. Andrew Garfield debate. I put my sticker under both names and was too demotivated to show up for this class again. It’s okay, I’m about to become a broke, starving artist anyway.
All in all, it seems like this holiday rightly celebrates the ultimate sacrifice STEM students make to thrive and highlights the fact that all other fields of study offer no significant benefit to society or the world. Good riddance, reading, Dr. Suess was problematic anyway.
Paris Geller is not accessible. She is a fictional character.